Don’t Settle—Love Ain’t a Clearance Rack at a Sketchy Discount Store

Guess what? Your therapist definitely has favorites! One of mine is a teenager I see weekly at work.

She is naïve, nervous, and eager to learn techniques I teach her. She came to learn skills to manage anxiety around a breakup and gain self-confidence. My patient is struggling to move on from her past relationship and not settle for breadcrumbs. Like so many of us, she feels that she’ll never find anyone else. She feels that this was her one shot…at 15 years old!

Girlfriend…I’ve been there too.

It is such a common feeling whether we’re 15 or 42 years old, that THIS may be it. Especially as women, we don’t believe there may be a second chances at love, change in career, or a different future for us. Much like my previous article on timelines in society, we feel rushed as if the train is leaving the station and you better get on!!! Doesn’t matter with who, what, or where…you must be on the same track as everyone.

Why do we settle? Why do we live in fear around breaking it off with someone we know isn’t good? Why are we afraid to have the hard conversations?

I went for a walk with one of my girlfriends last week and we were chatting about dating. She harbors a lot of anxiety around dating, and we know how common that is. How do I know if I like him? What if he’s not the one? How many dates do I go on before I know he's the one? It’s a good thing she loves me because I was grilling her with thought-provoking questions! Why do we try to rush these things? We need to be in the moment, and strive to be intentional with our choices.

This means not staying in a relationship or situationship just to have something- when we know it isn't serving us. Or going back to an ex because it’s comfortable. What is wrong with being alone? I tell my client often that she needs to do the internal work before she gets back out there. I tell her that she needs to choose her before she abandons herself for a man who makes her feel sad.

How do I know what I'm talking about? I've been there! All the hinge situationships I had drawn out for months too long because I felt it was too hard to ‘start over’ and let go. I felt the guys I had gone on 3 dates with were it for me. (I know, I laugh about it now). But if they had been, it would’ve been a hell of a lot easier and obvious.

We’ve all stayed before when we should’ve left. We stay to feel chosen; we stay for that glimmer of hope; we stay because we’re scared. If I try harder with this person, it will work out! This is a commitment to someone, to our future. I can’t leave.

Let me tell you a secret.

Leaving does not mean we’ve failed or given up.

It means we’ve finally chosen ourselves. We listened to what we need.

I read a lot of forum posts online while writing this to hear what others were saying about this topic. Upon my digging, I saw something that resonated greatly with me. “Love holds us back.”

Wow.

Does love hold us back from connecting with our best selves? With our journey? I don’t think so. I think love adds a lot to life. However, I do think it’s the journey and pressure we put on ourselves to find it. We miss out on a lot because we buy into this fear that we’ll never find someone we’ve been looking for.

You will find someone else. Until then, enjoy the journey you’re on of truly being intentional.

-Charty x