Finding a Therapist is like...Finding a Boyfriend?

Finding a therapist is like finding a boyfriend. I said what I said! Endless hours spent sifting through options online to pick the one you like the best (it’s okay to admit that we all pick the prettiest one); it’s like speed dating on intake calls to find which is most suited for your needs. The process can be looonnnggg and disheartening sometimes. I get it. The waitlists, not clicking with a person, or having insurance that makes it difficult. It’s a journey no doubt- but once you find that person you click with—it’s so worth it. Therapy has helped me immensely in my life, whether it’s to gossip, cry about internal struggles, or process trauma. It’s always been an essential part of my self-care.  

I wanted to share a little bit of my own experience with therapists throughout my lifetime. I am lucky to have a mom who always believed in therapy and mental health support from the start. She was always working with our best interest in mind, so I first went to therapy around 7 years old for anger management (lol). I started this journey meeting with a man who didn’t know a first thing about working with children. Despite this, my parents and I tried to work with him for a few years before we stopped. Then when I was 14, I went back to this therapist because I was being bullied in 9th grade. Surprisingly to no one, this therapist knew nothing about trauma or women for that matter. Full offense! He somehow framed it to be my fault and said I needed to “deal with it.” Small kiss! We dumped him like third period French.

The next therapist my mom found me was the best and so essential to my growth. Laura was my therapist for 10+ years and supported me from early high school to throughout college. She was wonderful, kind, sweet, and empathetic. We had sessions with my parents, just me, and sessions that felt like turning points in my teen years. Laura was so supportive throughout these difficult years, and maybe a little too kind sometimes! She was exactly what I needed during that time. When I went to college, I found a therapist who swore way too much but was great. I utilized both through my college years. I appreciated my home therapist’s support when I was able to go home, as Laura had known me forever.

My counselor in college was helpful when I needed him, and other times just felt like he was talking to hear himself talk. (I said what I said!) Senior year, I found myself going to the Chapel more so than therapy when I needed support. It was through them I found Kate Burns, who worked at the Chaplin’s Office but also led the health and wellness program at Siena. She was everything—she was so helpful, kind, and compassionate when I needed someone. She sat with me while I cried about friendship struggles, anxiety about my future, and more. All my social work friends and I ended up going to her for our ‘adult’ struggles!

After college, I moved to Boston and needed to find someone. I stumbled upon a psychologist from Psychology Today, Donna*. She was so different from all my others. She was matter of fact, not warm, and wanted me to do the work. I was so uncomfortable with this at first. A therapist who wasn’t obsessed with me? Help! I found myself struggling the first few sessions, but we slowly got into a groove. I realized I needed to be uncomfortable and approach these topics with someone who was direct and not my friend. Our sessions were heavy and exhausting, but man was I making strides. I worked on trauma, people-pleasing, and self-image for about a year with Donna. The internal transformation was so powerful, but unfortunately Donna had personal issues and stepped away from her practice.

I was crushed. I wanted to continue the work I was doing, and eventually I found another

therapist, who we can call Sharon*. Sharon was blunt, showed every emotion on her face, and came off as condescending. I thought it would be helpful for me based on my experience with Donna, but upon opening to her about trauma, she gave me a look like “what’s wrong with you?” She then invalidated all my trauma and told me I was wasting time being ‘hung up’ on it. Uhmmm who gave her a degree? Asking for a friend! I asked to stop work with her a few weeks later, and then received nasty emails from her suggesting I’d made no progress. A final goodbye gift!

I stopped with therapy after this for a while. It was a difficult feeling to process, because I loved therapy. Hell, it’s my line of work! I admire it, live by it, and appreciate our resources within mental health. But this woman changed me and effected how safe I felt opening up. I dealt with these feelings for more than six months before I felt ready to get back in the ring. See? I told you it’s like dating! (Except I don’t have to filter out by height). I found my current therapist and was honest from the start about how my previous therapist made me feel. It gave us grounds to also work through that and provide a better experience. Finding someone and laying the groundwork takes time and a lot of trial and error…like dating! But you don’t have to bring this person home to meet Mom and Dad!

Therapy has been a lifeline for me since I was young, and I appreciate it so much. I’m proud of our society for working to end the stigma around it and to normalize therapy. Life becomes challenging, and as I’ve grown older, I’ve realized if you don’t fix your shit early on—it seeps into the cracks of everything you do. You repeat what you don't repair. Oooof read that again. Work on yourself to make sure you’re presenting as your best self!! And yes…the people who always need it the most are the ones who avoid therapy. (I’m laughing as I type that) Don’t feel down or frustrated when the right therapist doesn’t immediately show up—it will take time. This is ultimately what I tell myself about my love life too-- finding the right person takes time. You have to go to know! Go through a lot of trial and error and vulnerability to see who is right for you. Just like therapy. Trust the process!

-Charty

Tip: I find all my therapists through Psychology Today, it’s so helpful as you can filter out by insurance and needs!

 *Names changed for discretionary purposes.