Wine...We Need to Talk!

Mood: Buzz-cut, but make it emotional!

I promised a piece reflecting on my relationship with alcohol after my recent lifestyle changes, so buckle up! We all know I love to party. I love a night out; I enjoy a vodka soda and a glass of wine on the weekends. I love to laugh, spend my time with friends, and get wild.

(And no, I don't apologize for that OR a grey goose martini)

But as I get older, I’m starting to explore this relationship with alcohol on a deeper level.

I have a history of alcoholism in my family, so I've tried to be extra cautious all these years. I never wanted to feel out of control or addicted, so I avoided drinking growing up. I didn’t start drinking until I was 20 years old...I guess you could call me a late bloomer—but as soon as I did it was bombs away.

In college, we obviously drank a lot, and it was a booze fest every weekend. Dollar beers Tuesdays, house parties Wednesdays, Stout on Thursdays, and the club on the weekends! It was a fast and hard lifestyle. The first year after moving to Boston, I tried to keep going at this rate. Then I found myself drinking after my internship because I was sad over clients or heavy situations that happened at work. This unhealthy behavior didn’t work! Especially with my family history, it scared me.

I was cautious of my consumption and quickly created my rule of no alcohol on weeknights. It’s not worth a hangover during work and not showing up as my best self. Mind you I also wake up at 5am daily to work out, and I can’t do it hungover! Limiting alcohol to only weekends felt like a fair trade off.

And it was…until I realized feeling 100% and like my best self on a Sunday morning beats a night out anyday.

Drinking heavily every weekend, going out, waking up to ski or work out at 6am, and doing it all over again! I’m a very social person so my weekend plans usually involve alcohol.

It’s normal at this age!

It’s just social drinking!

I prided myself on drinking at night then waking up at early to ski and running it back each weekend. It’s my rockstar lifestyle. 

On more occasions than I’d like to say I woke up hungover and tried to think of what I said and who I offended. Wondering if I had sent that cringe text and what I talked out of my ass about. It sucks to spend Sundays like this. It made me feel out of control with the hangxiety. 

Flash forward to now, and I'm realizing I don't want to spend my weekends hungover and waste precious moments. This was around the time I had met Elizabeth, my nutritionist and she suggested I cut alcohol out for a little bit. Uhmmm what? Hard pass! I would argue with my parents when they asked why I was so against it. 

No, I’m not dependent on it! Stop saying that!

I only drink in social settings. It's not a big deal.

With a reaction like that, I started to look inward toward why I was so against limiting consumption for a bit. I looked at this relationship and realized how reliant I was on alcohol for fun and plans. Whew. That was hard to admit. Had I lost my sober personality because I love boozing? 

Sure, I don’t solely rely on it for fun, but I was relying on it for confidence at times. Which isn’t who I am! I am secure and confident in myself, so why am I using alcohol to escape or numb that?

It’s not authentic. 

I stopped drinking for a bit in May which gave me a taste of early weekend mornings, feeling good, and being productive! Wow. It was so worth the soda water and early night in. It was uncomfortable at first to reconnect with myself and be with myself sans booze. I had to be in my skin and process those uncomfortable feelings—which is hard work. But we’re all capable. 

This had me noticing times where I wanted a glass of wine just ‘because’ or when things at work got heavy. I quickly started to shift these behaviors and sit in those feelings. It has been a beautiful reset and a way to work on loving me again. Most of my friends were extremely supportive and adjusted plans to be whatever I needed. 

I started drinking socially again mid-May and have been toying with what works and what doesn’t. I'm trying to be more aware of how many drinks I’m having and am exclusively only drinking vodka sodas to limit sugar. I’ve started to identify what’s ‘worth it’ to me, whether it be a wedding, a trip, or fun event/night out with a friend. I'm learning to pick and choose what's worth the hangover. 

The health risks also associated with drinking are starting to feel less and less 'worth it' to me. I can tell my face is puffy, wrinkly, and tired looking after I drink, so who knows how this toxin will effect me in the long run? Especially for women, hormonal health is so important and alcohol worsens that. In this women's health article they examine the risks and benefits of alcohol use with our bodies. Very interesting!

I’m still very much working on this and am not living alcohol free by any means, but I’m identifying these patterns. It’s caused me to reflect on the ability to choose health and ultimately myself. It’s made me feel more in control. It doesn’t make me miss those vile mornings of wondering what I said, what I sent, and who I offended! 

It's given me a fresher outlook on the journey ahead and how I can best show up for my readers, patients, and loved ones. I’m not an expert nor am I going to be an AA sponsor anytime soon, but I give so much credit to my sober friends and readers. It’s not easy and is uncomfortable to notice when you’re not using alcohol in healthy ways. 

This shift has given me a clearer view of life and myself. It’s priceless.

Love,

Chart