20s, 30s, or Somewhere in Between: Crushing Life on Our Own Terms

I'm almost 28 years old and live in the same shoebox apartment I’ve been in for the past five years. I can’t afford a house, and I don’t want kids for at least another 4-5 years. I can’t find an emotionally mature man anywhere. I think dating apps are a waste of time. I’m happy on my own, and I love my routine. And no, I have no idea if I’ll be in Boston long term.

If I were to tell some people in different circles this, the looks I’d get would be colossal. What do you mean you don’t have a boyfriend? You don’t want to start settling down? Have a family? Move somewhere you can afford a house? Stop partying like you are a baby rat? Be serious about next steps?

No, actually. Not right now. I'm thriving without being tied down by society's expectations. I love my career! I find fulfillment in my work. I love mentoring young women on their career and school paths. My job, my blog, and my passions keep me busy. I have a full plate. I see my friends, I ski, and I travel frequently.

I won’t even get a dog right now because I’m not around enough.

"But, Charlotte, don’t you want to go to a speed dating or singles event?" Uhhhh. I’d rather poke my eyes out with a spork 9 million times. I get wanting to put myself out there. But I'd rather focus on what I want right now. I don’t want to simp over someone’s short, immature son that I met at bowling night. (No offense!)

In today's world, we’re so quick to judge someone in their late 20s or early 30s who doesn’t fit the ‘ideal timeline.’ We struggle to understand people who want to be single or who don’t want to get married or have kids right away. Moreover, we also find it difficult to comprehend women who wish to get pregnant immediately and start a family.

You truly cannot win.

This topic can be one of embarrassment and resentment. I bet 90% of people in their 20s through late 30s are grappling with these feelings, yet you’d hardly notice. It's now considered taboo to lack what society expects you to have by this age.

I often find it hard to be honest with friends about my feelings. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining. But last week, I opened up to a few of my girlfriends. To my surprise, they reported feeling the exact same way.

Huh.

I admit, I sometimes feel like something's wrong with me when I’m asked why I don’t have a boyfriend or a nicer apartment. But you know what I do have? A cozy living space and the freedom to do whatever I please. I can read my cowboy smut for five hours or dance on a table in Killington. I’ll take it!

This brings uncertainty in how to relate to other friends who are having babies or getting married while we're in different places. How do we connect? Does this resentment and embarrassment we feel in our own timelines project onto our relationships?

My college roommate and best friend, Alex, had babies a few years ago after marrying her college sweetheart in 2021. She is a fantastic wife, mother, and social worker. However, we couldn’t be on more diverse paths. For a long time, this created some distance between us.

It was tough connecting when she was busy being an amazing mother. Meanwhile, I was focused on my career, 150 miles away. However, by being intentional about maintaining our connection, we’ve managed to stay close. I had to realize that Alex remains Alex despite her new life. Change is okay, and it has even strengthened our friendship!

There are so many examples of friendships that thrive despite being at different life stages. It doesn’t solely revolve around marriage, babies, or moving; it could be differing energies. People are at various points in life. This becomes more apparent as you meet individuals through work and community.

For instance, my new coworkers are all in their 40s, spending weekends with their families. What did I do last weekend? I skied, did laundry, read several good books, and indulged in too much wine. Clearly, our weekends look drastically different.

Society tries to pit us against each other. It fuels jealousy, comparison, and a desire for what we don't have. How many of our friends with babies wish they could enjoy our freedom for just one night? The grass isn’t always greener.

What I’m trying to say is to be where your feet are. You are exactly where you're supposed to be. Your timeline isn’t going to match your best friend who just got married, your cousin who just gave birth, or the friend who’s moving to Thailand on a whim. Give yourself grace and let it go.

We can’t thrive in our current situation if we're always wishing for something different. If we feel behind in life, take a deep breath. You’ll be okay.

Confidence over pressure.

Yours,

Uncle C