I turn 28 today. Celebrations are lined up to spend time with friends who have shown me what friendship truly means. Showing up for each other! I am so excited. I love my birthday (read: birth week) more than anyone I know...forever…it’s a national holiday in my estimation! I had written a piece reflecting on the past year including challenges and growth, but it sounded like a mash up of other blogs I’ve written. I wasn't sure how to honor my 28^th trip around the sun. 

Upon sharing these feelings with my mom, she said emphatically that the 28-year-old me has grown into someone 18-year-old me would be so proud of. My mom reminded me about my bullying experiences from 9^th and 10^th grade, which I realized I barely remembered. She prodded my memory with stories from being bullied by a peer in 9^th grade ceramics and asked about my ‘V-card’, to someone peeing in a water bottle and trying to force me to drink it. 

She said how heartbroken she was that my two best friends from middle school dropped me like 3^rd period French with no context. To this day I have no idea why one minute I was part of the “in crowd” and the next I was relegated to mean girl no man’s land.

I began seeing a therapist at 14 years old, and when I told him how a bully ruined my new American Eagle sweater by throwing paint on it, his advice and validation? “Get over it, why do you care?” Sir, I am just a girl! 

Freshman year consisted of eating lunch alone in the bathroom and having no friends. No crowd, no buddies to have sleepovers with like in the past.  Seriously—I had no one. I watched Hannah Montana and Glee in my basement every weekend to pass the time and had begun to accept that I wasn’t worthy of being chosen.

I was depressed, anxious, and yes, I self-harmed on my wrists to escape these feelings. Read that again. It’s one of the few times I’ve seen my father cry, when he discovered the marks on my wrists. I wanted to feel something other than emotional pain.

Remember, I was dealing not only with my “best” friends walking away from me, but my grandparents and uncle as well.

You know the term “fake it ‘til you make it”? At 16, I created a larger-than-life personality to inhabit rather than being sad and feeling alone in my high school years. Let me introduce you to ‘Charty’ or ‘Uncle Charty’! 

Charty was confident, worthy, funny, loved by ALL! If I could be Uncle Charty, maybe I could get through the rest of high school. It worked! Why? Because I was “Uncle Charty”. I just needed to gain the confidence to be me on a big scale. That larger-than-life scale gave some distance so I could really shine as myself. Suddenly, I was ME and I inspired others to be themselves and just ‘do them.’ I’ll never forget running for Class President and talking about the bullying in my speech.

So many students and teachers had no idea and couldn’t believe it.  A freshman presented me with a bouquet of flowers the day after the speech and said my experience inspired her to stick it out at Vestal High School. It was so rewarding and pointed me in the direction of my career as a therapist.

Uncle Charty toned it down a little through the years, but she’s still so vibrant and someone I’ve grown to embody daily. She’s helped me land career choices, a brand, a following, and inspire others. As it turns out, Charlotte is pretty amazing too. 

As I turn 28, I’m reminded of this journey from when I was 14, 15, and 16 years old. The lonely feelings and the pain of being invisible. 27 arrived with similar feelings of loneliness the first few months; friendships that were not healthy for me, being ghosted by a guy I thought was good for me, and drinking to escape. 

It was a challenging year. It forced me to remind myself to choose me and that nothing good or bad lasts forever. I’m worthy of love, I’m worthy of friends that don’t cut me down, and I’m worthy of good things. 

I’m worthy of not chasing guys to be chosen and not abandoning myself. I’m worthy of people who love me in a grounding, calm, and not chaotic way. 

I’m worth a job I love and career that make me feel purpose.

Uncle Charty saved me at 16 years old. She became my lifeline, and I am still so grateful for her. While I was able to regulate myself at 27, she helped me so much this past year..

This blog helped me stick to my goals and choose me as well. Remembering that if I tell my readers to choose themselves, I must choose me as well. I will not dim myself to make others comfortable.

And some days that is challenging. Realistically--we don't always love ourselves. It's hard to wake up everyday and choose ourselves. But remember how resilient you are. That is worth choosing everyday.

Happy birthday 28th to girl who never thought she would be chosen ❤️ I'm blowing out 28 candles today for everytime someone tried to dim my light.

I love you Charlotte Jane Miller and am so proud of you. 

-Uncle C