Do It Scared: A Therapist’s Take on Social Anxiety

I talk a lot about not abandoning ourselves—whether that’s in relationships, at work, through people-pleasing, or because of low self-esteem. But I think there’s something to be said about anxiety, too, and the way it can pull us away from who we are.

Social anxiety can make people slowly abandon themselves.

The longer I work as a therapist, the more I realize social anxiety usually isn’t just about socializing—it’s about the fear of being perceived. The fear that other people might judge you, dislike you, or think less of you if you fully show up as yourself.

Will I embarrass myself?

Will people think less of me?

While I typically treat teenagers and young adults with social anxiety, it’s not something that only affects young people. Many adults struggle with this too. In fact, I think most of us carry some level of fear around opinions and expectations—shrinking our passions or hiding parts of who we are because of what others might say or believe.

When I ask clients what they wish they could change about their anxiety—which is my favorite trick question—they usually say they want to be someone else. The funny one. The outgoing one. The confident one.

I ask this on purpose because it tells me everything I need to know. It gives me a quick read on their anxiety—are they trying to change themselves? Disappear? Just make it all feel easier?

I watch them move further away from who they are as they ask me to help them be more confident, funnier, or just plain different. They start to believe that becoming someone else will make things easier.

And what do I do as a therapist?

I don’t try to turn them into someone else.

I double down on who they already are.

Because the way through social anxiety isn’t becoming a new person—it’s learning how to tolerate being seen as yourself. The awkwardness. The uncertainty. The moments that don’t land the way you wanted them to.

Even for adults. We often hope there’s a way to shift ourselves into someone who feels more confident or accepted. And often, we’re not missing something—we just haven’t learned how to trust or dig into who they already are. That’s the muscle we build.

Honestly, adult social anxiety often looks different than people expect. It’s the person rewriting the email ten times before sending it. The person who wants to go to the workout class but convinces themselves not to. The one overthinking a text (HI TO ME!), avoiding putting themselves out there, or staying quiet in rooms because they’re scared of sounding stupid. Not starting the business because they’re scared it’ll fail.

I remember back in 2021 wanting to try Barry’s Bootcamp so badly, but feeling like I didn’t belong there. I didn’t run, couldn’t lift a weight, and felt incredibly insecure about going. But I showed up anyway—and now Barry’s has become one of my favorite workouts.

When I first moved to Boston, I spent so much time worrying about how other people perceived me and whether I fit in. Looking back, I’m so grateful I pushed through enough discomfort to actually embrace the city and find my footing here.

Many of my clients admit how much life they miss out on because of this anxiety—avoiding opportunities, feeling less free, and carrying a constant sense of being “less than.” It makes me think about how much I would’ve missed out on too if I hadn’t pushed through that same discomfort—how much I would’ve shrunk myself, sold myself short, and missed out on so many of the connections I value now.

I feel really lucky to witness these moments in my clients’ lives—watching them slowly stop shrinking themselves and start fully participating in their own lives again.

I encourage patients to tap into that little extra underneath the anxiety and do it anyway. Do it scared. That’s what builds confidence. If you’re waiting for the perfect moment, I promise you—you won’t find it.

I didn’t become confident because I stopped feeling anxious.

I became confident because I stopped waiting to feel ready.

I just started showing up anyway.

My advice: If you’re waiting to feel more confident, more ready, or more like yourself—you might be waiting forever. Do it scared.

More often than not, you’ll find that your willingness to show up gives other people permission to be a little bolder too.

❤️ Charlotte