Evolution of Friendships in Our 20s: Who Gets a Front Row Seat?

Hey! Can you meet tomorrow after work? No? When are you free next? How’s your job? Have you heard from that guy? How’s your wedding planning? Did you go to that workout? Did you buy a house? Are your parents healthy? Are you okay? I miss you. I wish we could spend more time together.

Sound familiar?

Friendships are hard in our 20s. Have we talked about that yet?

Full time jobs, kids, husbands, weddings, new cities. It becomes so hard to manage these different relationships. Is it because we have to schedule out weeks in advance to see each other? Or maybe it’s because it’s the first time we learn to set boundaries. Is alcohol impacting the authenticity of our relationships? Maybe it’s because we’re in different places in our lives. I mean my Instagram is filled with engagements, babies, weddings, dogs, and moving to new places. We’re flying through adulthood a million miles a minute, which makes keeping up almost impossible. Then you have to add in work meetings, trips, family gatherings, and other events that fill your calendar months in advance. How do we cultivate these friendships and maintain the effort?

Comparison of different paths that friends are going down are also difficult in your 20s. The constant loop in your mind playing around “Why am I single?” “Why can’t I afford a house or my own apartment?” "Is something wrong with me?" Nope. You are exactly where you’re meant to be. Every person has a different trajectory and purpose! Never fall into the traps of comparison. I have to remind myself of this almost every other day. It's hard not to fall into the trap of feeling like you're not doing enough when you're just on a different path.

As we age, the question of "who is getting a front seat view to my life?" is often brought up. Who do I want to put my effort into cultivating a relationship with? Who holds similar values and purpose? It sounds mean--but it's true! We lose more of our time as we get older due to the outside forces, we have to be more intentional with our time. As I mentioned before, everyone is on a different path, and it gets hard to meet our people in all stages of life. Especially when I'm on a ski trip every other weekend and not fully into babies or a marriage yet. How do I relate to my friends with kids or marriages? I've found that showing up and caring goes a long way.

Something else that has come from my 20s is boundaries. I've become the queen of boundaries to protect my peace, my time, and my mental health. I used to hate this as a recovering people pleaser and tried to make everyone in my life happy. But this left me feeling empty and with unbalanced friendships that I resented. Hence, with less time, I really had to think about who I wanted to be front and center in my life. Who fills my soul? Who makes me feel so elated and whole after being with them?

I am allowed to have needs, as boundaries have taught me. I don't need to overextend myself or show up to be the 'entertainment'. I can prioritize time with people I want to pour into! People who appreciate me and allow me to need my own time, space, and don't burn me out. As I've prioritized what I need, the people I want to cultivate relationships with have become so much more apparent. And it's a beautiful feeling.

Setting boundaries has been an eye-opening process the past few years. Boundaries have shown me plain as day who respects my needs, and who wants me for the never-ending fun. When I was tired, or not feeling a gathering, or just needed to be home, I practiced voicing these needs of mine to friends. Some were kind and loving, others complained and made it about them. It made me feel guilty, like I had let friends down. Yet, working through these feelings has made my boundaries stronger—and I stopped putting energy where my needs didn’t matter.

I learned that I need to be intentional with my time and who I spend it with. Everyone is in such a difference place in their life. You will grow apart and grow back into relationships that are meaningful. Your true friends will have your back and make it work.

There is also an art of letting go. Realizing what relationships were only meant to serve you for a short time and cleaning out the ‘clutter’ as I say. Clearing out people or relationships that don’t add anything to your life. Maybe they don’t respect your boundaries, or maybe they’re just a situational friend. Trust me—those friends never last. I urge you to pour your energy into the people who make your life feel full and vibrant.

Since I’ve been more intentional with my time and people, my world has shifted to allow me to find friendships that make me feel whole. That is what I’ve been focused on the second half of 2024, filling my cup with people who choose me time and time again. I'm lucky to have so many peeps from my hometown, to college, to Boston. The people who text me first checking in, people who don’t trigger my anxious attachment, and people who love me for me and yes, the party I bring. People who won't dull my shine because they’re threatened, and people who want to bask in my energy. Life is all about the ebbs and flows, especially in your 20s.

Shifts in friendships are real, but what matters is how we work through it.

-Charty x