Not the One, Just a Notification: Dating in the Age of Instant Gratification

Dating. That word! Dreaded by some, embraced by others. Hope. Fear. Nerves. Expectation. Crushed expectations! Something that's been on my mind this week and YES-don’t yell at me -I’ve talked about it a few times but here's a reframe on rejection.

So, here’s a quick and dirty (not dirty like that!) blog on my hate for dating apps!

A couple of months back, I was trying to be more intentional with dating apps as I was inspired by one of my Boston girlfriends encouraging me to go on one date monthly. (Love you, Emma!) I was open, ready to be vulnerable, and hit the ground running.

I soon after matched with a guy who was kind, honest, and seemed to hate the apps as much as I did. We chatted for a few days on the app and then exchanged numbers. The conversation went into skiing, oysters, and how we spend our weekends. I felt like I was in such a nice and authentic place--something I haven't always been with guys as we know. 

The back and forth was fun - dare I say. I was enjoying myself waiting for his response, and of course fantasizing about if this was “the One” after a handful of messages (LOL I know).

I find myself feeling ready for a relationship or a cute man, and then I’m met with mediocre men on dating apps. Men who don’t put effort in or expect women to make the conversation first. But alas, I continue to try. This guy felt promising!

At the beginning of this week I was feeling confident and excited, but then, with no warning--BOOM. Blocked and unmatched by him. That one hurt. It was out of left field and immediately I asked myself what I did wrong. Was it because I said I’d eat oysters by the pound? Was it because I was honest on how dating apps suck? Was it sharing my love for skiing? Was it my humor? 

The tears came, calls to my mother and friends. What WAS WRONG WITH ME?! All those old feelings of not being enough. Ummm. Spoiler alert .. It wasn’t me. Whatever the reason may be that he unmatched me, it couldn’t have much to do with me. Despite knowing this, I went into a negative headspace, thinking “I will never find someone…” and immediately gave up on my monthly date quest. 

Why was I so hurt? I didn't really know this guy, nor did he know me.

I stepped back and asked myself...why do we seek this immediate gratification and chemistry with our ‘matches’? It is exciting to talk with a new potential guy and wonder if this is it. Why am I so hung up on it? It’s because connection and chemistry make us feel alive. 

Read that one more time.  

Jillian Turecki is a relationship coach, teacher, podcaster, and writer who I’ve become a fan of through Instagram. I purchased her book recently all about relationships, and man did it rock my world! As Jillian talks about in her book “It Begins with You: 9 Hard Truths About Love that Will Change Your Life”, this feeling of being alive while chatting potential matches lets us escape from the boring monotony of our lives. It allows us to escape the fear of being single for longer than we’d like to be. It teases connection. “If they pick me, I’ll feel worthy of love.”

OOOF. 

That awful feeling after being ‘unmatched’ comes from a feeling of rejection. As Jillian says, “We’ll cling, lie, please, avoid, yell, cry, shut down, pretend to be someone we’re not, strategize, manipulate, isolate, or end things first so we don’t have to feel the immense pain of someone losing interest…” (15). This gives us the idea that we can control another person and avoid rejection. 

Wrong!

Being unmatched or ghosted also makes us feel as if we’re the problem from a society that has taught us love is the same as lust. That if we don’t feel stressed, anxious, and frankly insane over a new crush, we’re not really in love. “We’re trained to believe that if we don’t feel meaningless without this person, then it must not be love.” It's even scarier to marry or date the wrong person. 

I was mulling over this all week, and oddly it came up in numerous sessions with patients. I discussed this phenomenon of needing a relationship, a dating app match, or situationship in appropriate ways with a few of my older teens. It was the key to helping one of my patients realize he’s scared to be alone. That’s why he stays in a broken, toxic relationship. Because it’s better than being single and alone—it gives the illusion of “the One”. 

So how does this all connect? Why am I blathering about it in a blog? 

We desire connection as humans. We yearn for that person to come in and complete us. It’s why people stay in toxic relationships and spend hours on dating apps. It’s better to have hope than the fear of being alone. It’s why so many of us settle, or are sad when relationships don’t work out, or try countless times to make something work.

It’s a craving—not necessarily for another person—but for these endorphin producing feelings. Joy, excitement, bliss. We think another person will complete us and we chase these feelings. We chase the glimmer of hope of partnership or togetherness.

In a society that thrives off of instant deliveries, instant gratification, instant validation…of course we look at dating apps and love the same! I need this instant feeling or endorphin in my brain to feel chosen or loved. I’ll feel worthy once someone chooses me back. I’ll abandon my own needs to avoid rejection.

This is a difficult narrative to work through–but it is possible. Through journaling, talk therapy, observing these narratives in your head. Check out Jillian’s book and website for extra tips and support!

If I try the dating apps again, I will be intentional with checking In with myself around purpose. Why am I seeking connection? Is it lust I'm feeling or a genuine connection? Am I feeling grounded or doing this for gratification?

And if nothing else remember: nothing a person on an app says, does, or thinks is about you. When they unmatch you or ghost you- that is a them problem.

Check in with yourself around lust vs. love and worthiness vs. rejection.

Reminder: YOU complete yourself.

XO,

Chart