Standards vs. Disappointments: How to Set Healthy Expectations and Honor Your Self-Worth

Hi sweet friends,

I recently finished Hailey Page Mae’s “Stop People Pleasing: And Find your Power.” It is a must read for anyone wanting to work on boundaries, emotional control in relationships, or looking for empowerment. I really resonated with so much of the book and have linked it here as well as Hailey’s Instagram account.

This book discusses boundaries in friendships, relationships, etc. which has been something I’ve worked hard on in the last year. I’ve gained so much knowledge and expertise in setting boundaries in friendships. I know what my values are, what I accept, and what doesn't work for me anymore. I don’t hoard people in my life that disappoint me, are inconsistent, or put me down. I choose people who fill my soul, stay true to their word, make me feel safe, and honor me. I am honest and authentic in my friendships. I choose people who choose me—time and time again.

However, I still struggle with this in romantic relationships. I want to share a specific section of the book in which Hailey discussed romantic relationships and people pleasing through sex. Most times in which we are seeking out validation from men or women. A quote that was so powerful for me, was something along the lines of “If we continuously lower our standards, we will be disappointed every time.” It’s not exact wording but you get the gist. Wow. This landed like a freight train for me. I felt the lightbulb go off in my head like oh yeah…that makes a lot of sense. I am someone, who will drop my standards to the pits of hell to make something work. Sue me, I’m a lover, not a fighter! (Unless I'm driving #masshole)

I think this stems from my desire to be wanted and have someone. And listen, I’m good on my own. I know that. I’m hot (Duh have you seen me?) I’m independent, I work hard, I command any room I walk into, but I want to share my life with someone. I know some men are threatened by my big personality, and I think that’s why I struggle with guys on the apps, resulting in lowering my standards. A chain-smoker could show up in my DMs and I’d say to my friends “So I love this man…” A marb smoker Char? Really? How about we find a man with good lungs and a job?

In the past, I have I let men who are crusty have a piece of me—knowing they’re not good for me, yet I hunt them like a field mouse. Then I’m left saying “Huh…why didn’t this work out? What’s wrong with me?” Uhhhh Charty? Probably because you tossed your standards out of the window and tried to make it work to the point of losing yourself. Hard pass. That’s not authentic nor is it healthy.

I could tell you about the time I let a guy an hour away have a texting relationship with me for 6 months—but he promised he would meet me! (Narrator: he never did) Or the guy who told me I was the funniest person he knew and was so into me...well, there were a few of these guys. And guess what? I was always ghosted shortly after! Or how about the men I tried to make stay by sacrificing my values and abandoning myself. All to make myself 'happier' with a false sense of desire. The emptiness and self-loathing that sat with me when they left are hard feelings to process. It sucks. Even when you know the guy wasn’t a good match for you.  

I have been around the block long enough to notice these patterns’ now. The man won’t change, nor will you change him. Most times it's their own shit they haven't dealt with. What we can change is what we allow for ourselves. What matters for our worth and in protecting our peace with undeserving men. I’ve been working on weeding men out who I know aren't going to meet me, ghost me after meeting, or ghost me because I won't hook up. I’ve figured out what my non-negotiables are in relationships and am working on implementing them. I know what I deserve, so now it’s time to put that into action. While this sounds like a positive shift, it can feel so much lonelier than staying somewhere inauthentically. But it’s worth it. I always say I’d rather be alone forever, than with someone who will never choose me. Why have someone to have someone? That’s why I have myself baby! (And cowboy smut)

I encourage all my peeps to check out Hailey Mae's book and social media, as they’re both so powerful. This work is hard. It doesn’t happen overnight and it sure isn’t meant to be painless. It’s the journey that makes us stronger, not just the destination. Or in this case, the person you end up sharing a California King with! And remember that boundaries in any type of relationship are healthy. They empower you, decrease resentment, and strengthen relationships. They allow you to show up for yourself and others without burnout.

Love and hugs,

Charty x