Uncovering the Impact of the Hidden Animosity Theory: What You Need to Know

Hi peeps! Coming to you live with an uncomfy but important one today.

One relationship topic that isn’t talked about enough—is the Hidden Animosity Theory. I’ve been turning the stone on this one for a few months now, and a lot of people close to me have been bringing this up to me as well.

Charlotte, why does this person cut me down but seem friendly? Why does this mentor not cheer for me when I achieve something? Why does this friend of mine seem like they want to see me fail?

Hello animosity, our old friend! This is what we call the Hidden Animosity Theory. Which is otherwise known as the idea that people close to us harbor deep feelings of resentment and negative feelings toward us. This is caused by internal feelings of insecurity, jealous, or fear. They feelings can be rooted in differences in opportunity, values, or experiences.

Even though these people appear to be very outwardly close to you, deep down they resent and dislike you.

Let's break it down. Animus means to hold ill intent, which is at the heart of this theory. Ill will, malevolent feelings, and dislike. Hidden animosity can build over time in a relationship or triggered by an event, but either way you're holding someone who strongly dislikes you close to you.

Hidden animosity can have numerous effects like grudges, toxic environments, strained relationships, and even ended relationships. Signs can include, backhanded compliments, looking you up and down while you speak, talking poorly behind your back, and passive aggression. Fake smiles, coldness, and not having your back are other common traits.

People with hidden animosity drag you down rather than allow you to be your best self.

Social media has increased this loathing, especially between women, due to desire, jealousy, and feeling unworthy. Blasting our own lives over social media causes tension, jealousy, and anger—especially for insecure folks. And listen, I’m not saying insecurity or jealousy in a relationship are abnormal, however I am shining a light on them.

Hidden animosity and anger are similar, however they're not the same. Anger allows us the ability to communicate feelings--despite being in an explosive way, whereas animosity sits and festers toward someone. It's almost more dangerous. We harbour all the ill intent and hold that person close due to needing to hurt them.

How many times have I been jealous of someone’s boyfriend, ski trip, or girls weekend? Or been jealous of someone having their family close by, or by their job. It’s normal human nature to want what we don’t have and it’s very common. We don't need to like everyone--we're human, but holding ill intent toward someone you consider close isn't healthy.

What I am talking about, is how this theory arises in all different kinds of relationships. I’ve been hearing so much about it lately and it’s really pushed me to reflect on it. Clients, friends, and family members have been experiencing it, and I felt called to blog about it.

Let me tell you a story.

I had friends in my inner circle that I spent a lot of time with—I considered them my best friends. They were so much fun; they were my go-to for a night out, dinner, concert, or anything. But there was an uncomfortable, almost jealous undertone to everything they said to me. They would cut me down, make fun of my choices, and try to lecture me on people that weren’t ‘good for me’. They wanted to decide what was right for me.

I found myself succumbing to the role of the ‘circus monkey’ (which I’ve talked about in a previous blog post: Read friendship in our 20s) in which I was the entertainment. I stopped sharing deeper feelings because I was afraid they’d make fun of me and use it as amo in the future.

Here’s another piece—these women never cheered genuinely for me. It was one of the tough lessons I had to learn…some people want to see you fail. They can’t clap for your wins because they’re insecure. Your presence is threatening to them.  

People who speak poorly of you when you leave the table. People who want to hear about your life so they can outwardly judge. Wooooof. That’s an unsafe feeling right?

It’s not just women, it can be men as well as teachers, coworkers, mentors, and anyone else. I had a similar experience with my boss at my old job. She would comment on my looks, criticize my work any chance she got, and was passive-aggressive constantly.

These kind of people feel the put off by your energy, your motivation, and your wins. Their insecurity matters more than who you are. In that moment- it isn’t about you or what you’ve done. It’s about them, projecting their anger, their fears of who they are, and their shortcomings.

It was made crystal clear to me that the friends mentioned above were speaking poorly when I left the room. My birthday table to be exact. Yeah, that’s a rough one, right? I was crushed. I knew I shouldn’t be surprised, yet I was heartbroken. Hurt that people I considered to be close friends thought so low of me. But we know it’s not about that!

Like I’ve said, The Hidden Animosity Theory is about people’s insecurities projected onto you. These people want you to fail or hit rock bottom. Hidden Animosity is the blow you never see coming.

I made a vow to myself at the end of last summer. I will never be in a relationship or room where people in my inner circle speak poorly of me. I deserve more.

I keep my circle smaller these days. I didn’t know how toxic this animosity was until I ended these friendships and left my old boss! I can truly say everyone in my life now is kind, loves me, and is very secure in our friendship. It makes life a lot easier to not have to prove myself to people who don’t care.

And listen, I know it’s not always feasible to end relationships with people who harbor animosity toward us, whether it be a work situation, family member, or mentor. So, let’s talk other solutions to work through it. Remember to trust your gut to know when a person does not have your best interest at heart is key. Remember to keep yourself at a healthy distance from people who give you that fight or flight, unsafe feeling.

You can always have the conversation with that person, however as a therapist, make sure it’s the appropriate decision. These kinds of people are tough to get through to, and it may end up hurting the relationship more. We can’t control anyone or change them, but we can control our reactions and choices.

We can make choices about who we allow our time, energy, and who deserves our worries.

Sometimes, we can have honest, successful relationships with animus people, but sometimes it hurts more. I encourage you to reflect and process any relationships like these that you may have. It’s hard work, it’s uncomfortable, but extremely freeing.

I’m always here to talk further about this, or if you have any questions.

Xo,

Charty