When My Dress Zipper said "Nope," So did my will to go on!

Saturday morning started with an amazing Lululemon sponsored event that I was invited to, along with a lot of authentic, fun people to share it with. My personal trainer created such a wonderful and inspiring environment for us. On the way home, I was on cloud nine with my fancy wellness juice and coffee! I was in a place of such gratitude about my, friendships,

opportunities, and the exercise community I’ve become a part of.

Then I got the mail. Specifically a package containing my cousin’s bridesmaid dress.

OOOOOF.

The moment of reckoning had arrived. It's always dicey ordering clothes from

Chinese manufacturers who have a totally different concept of sizing and the American

woman’s body. I had a bad feeling about it before—because my pants have been a little too tight lately! Alas, I put the dress on, and it didn’t zip. The zipper would not zip over my rib cage. Cue the tears and immediate phone call to my angel of a mother. I was crushed.

Listen—I know the dresses from those websites are made for women a lot smaller, but this still sucked. My whole life has been a yo-yo effect of losing and gaining weight. I have always felt overweight and like I will never be the size I want to be. It’s such a lonely, difficult place to be sometimes. I’m not sharing this blog for attention or to have people tell me I’m “beautiful and perfect!” I know that…most days.

What I’m trying to highlight is this battle with weight that I know so many people struggle with. In a society that glorifies skinny as the most beautiful trait, ‘fat tax’ on so many websites, and every diet you can imagine being pushed on you. And now there are miracle weight loss drugs!

Everywhere you turn is a way to lose weight and influences your brain to feel you are not enough. You will never be enough for a world who thinks fat is anything above a size 6. 

Despite this, I cry every time I’m mean to myself about weight because I think of that 16-year-old Charlotte who hated herself for being ‘fat’. That was a tough way to live when I was trying to just be 16. The clothes not fitting, the number on the scale, the endless diets for twenty years. It's exhausting.

I work out a lot and eat healthy, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference some days. It's a hard battle to fight.

While crying on the phone to my mom, she suggested I write a blog about how I was feeling. I snapped back that I didn’t want to pretend that I was confident and okay. I didn’t want to lift others when I felt miserable about myself. I had no desire to preach being confident in your own skin when I felt like a hippo. I didn’t have the energy to move on, write a blog preaching self-love, and wrap it up with a big bow on it. I felt like shit. I needed to call the zoo for an MRI.

I was so frustrated with myself that after an amazing, inspiring morning I could go so quickly to the ‘badlands’ of my mind. I felt such a lack of confidence.

So many of the girls I coach, blog readers, and friends will ask me how I stay so confident all the time. The truth is, I don’t. Days like Saturday really test me and make me feel like a fraud. Somedays, I feel enormous and like I have no confidence at all. I lose it all when it comes to clothes fitting and weight. I felt inauthentic for preaching confidence after I loathe myself when that dress didn't zip. What was wrong with me? Why am I the only person who must go through the constant weight battle?

But I know I’m not.

I’m going to say it even though I don’t truly feel it. You are so beautiful and full of light, even when you don’t believe it. I’m not fully over the dress not zipping and have a lot of feelings, but I know I’ll process them when I feel ready.

For now, I’ll just say thank you to my readers for reading and believing in me.

This is your reminder that you don’t have to rush to move through emotions and learn a lesson from it. You can simply be in them. The good and bad. Observe, reflect, and send love to yourself. I’m not ready to preach confidence around weight at this moment, but I know tomorrow is a new day. Not everything needs to be wrapped up perfectly and finished.

And for God’s sakes, please stop the internal self criticism. It’s a profound

waste of your energy! Energy that possibly, maybe could be going towards solving what

you’re bitching about.

So how did the day end? I returned that son of a bitch dress, and drank a lot of rosé!

-Charty