Anxiously Attached & Algorithmically Screwed!

If you know me...you know I chase the unavailable man! Text me back, or I might die...(casually, of course).

I've mentioned this before, but, my favorite Instagram page is Hailey Paige Magee, for her hard-hitting quotes that make you go “Ooooof…guilty!” She is one of my inspirations and always has such amazing wisdom to share.

Recently she posted about when you abandon yourself to chase after someone and their validation, it’s usually because you don’t view yourself or your body as a ‘safe space.’ You lose yourself easily because you've decided your needs and values don’t matter. 

So many people ask why I don’t have a boyfriend or why I don’t date. There’s really two parts to that answer, including not wanting to waste my time with someone who doesn't want the same things as me, and I'm still working on my anxious attachment style. This is something I’ve struggled with since the dawn of time, especially with family estrangement history. (Go back and read it!)

I love “LOVE”. I believe in fairytales, happy ever after, and almost every book I read is a smutty love story. Love makes me so happy. I grew up with two parents who were totally in love, are true soulmates, and worked hard to create a healthy marriage/friendship. Not only does this set the bar high for me with dating, but paired with self-esteem issues and having walls up, and you get the perfect storm. 

Something I’m sure others can relate to. 

In the past when I’ve liked a man, I’m all in immediately. It creates a false sense of security and ‘relationship’, leading to overthinking on my part constantly. I want to do everything in my power to make this person stay.

Regardless of if they’re good for me or not.

Most times I don’t think I deserve anything better. I have a hard time looking at them and saying, “well are they good for me?” Instead, it’s more of “how can I be good for THEM?” 

It's exhausting and sucks when I finally take the rose-colored glasses off. By this point I’ve pretty much completely abandoned myself, my values, and done things I wish I hadn’t to feel secure and make them stay. 

Spoiler: they never do!

My standards have been pretty low in the past. I choose men that I'm either not interested in, or that I know won't work out to sabotage myself. In the past when I’ve dated, I felt the need to drink before the date because of nerves. I felt I wasn’t going to be as outgoing, loveable, or worthy without being a little numb. I wasn’t being authentic.

I felt I needed to show up intoxicated due to nerves and a crippling amount of pressure. I would show up being classic ‘Charty’ and act like nothing mattered to me. It was a mask to hide my own insecurities...paired with the pressure from needing this guy to be ‘the one.’

But with this mindset, I struggled to be myself. It was a mess in the sense of pretending I was something I wasn't and being a stage 7 clinger. Why was I hiding my amazing personality!

(Hmm...this is probably why they all ghosted me)

I’ve focused on my own self-work the past year on being comfortable with myself. I'm trying not to numb myself and prove to others why I'm worthy. I'm learning that I'm worthy simply by existing. I'm working on being comfortable dropping my walls and loving me.

If something isn’t working, there’s probably a reason people! Think about me and drinking before a date...It didn't do anything for me! If you're doing something consistently and it's not working--it means you need to shift something and make a different choice.

I want to remind readers who struggle with self-worth and myself that my life is just as full as it would be without a man. I am independent, and their staying or text back won’t affect my worth, career, or who I am. I am enough with or without.

It all comes down to worth. Do you think you’re good enough? 

It’s funny how when a man is fully emotionally present and making an effort, we avoid it! Help! I want a man who is a jerk and never tries…because it makes us feel worthy to over-give and people please. Yup. Read it again. 

This is a long process that doesn’t happen overnight or easily. I’ve found that really prioritizing my own needs and identifying patterns is helpful. Being more intentional with my own time and boundaries has made so much difference as well. Identifying my negative thought patterns because of trauma has been a game changer too. I am doing the work so I stop confusing anxiety with chemistry.

I want to find someone who shares my same values and has a similar mindset. I’ve talked about it before, but dating apps are so vile. They’re based on looks, checking a box, and one click bullshit. Not for me!

(Also me: working on self-worth while spiraling over a ‘hey’ text)

I’m worth someone who will choose me. Someone who doesn’t just want a night and someone who will take me out. What’s for us will never pass us, and what’s meant to be will happen on divine timing.

I encourage other folks who may struggle with this in their own lives, whether it be anxious attachment or avoidant; to do the work. There are so many amazing books out there, therapists, and ways to shift your internal dialogue.

Whew. This was a hard topic for me to be honest about today. I want to be real with my readers, and sometimes it means taking an honest look into the mirror. You can be confident and still feel unworthy. It's all a journey!

Be kind to yourself.

-Charty