How to Stay Sane and Stress-Free During the Holidays: Charty's Mini Holiday Survival Guide

Merry almost Christmas and Happy Holidays…it’s almost time to see family and regress back to teenagers! Oh, whoops sorry no, I mean go back home. Bring on the family drama! If you’re lucky enough to be able to spend it with family, friends, or friends who are family, you must be so excited. (And are probably dreading it a little) It’s a special time of year filled with creating memories, cozy nights, and slowing down. That’s what I’m most excited for, the ability to slow down and be with my family and friends at home.

I know the holidays are tricky for some people due to tense relationships, trauma, or family dynamics. Even if the holidays are exciting for you—I’m sure there are some mixed emotions coming up for you. For those of you who may be nervous about going home for the holidays, I wanted to make a mini survival guide. Two things can be true right? We can be so excited, looking forward to spending time with our peeps AND be nervous to revert to old behaviors and dynamics. Growing up, I was the explosive middle child who felt emotions deeply and I was usually expressing myself very loudly. When I go home, I tend to regress back to that intense, dysregulated 15-year-old again. It’s hard not to! Things were safer back then as I didn’t have to fully ‘adult’ and could do whatever I pleased.

According to Sigmund Freud, regression is an unconscious coping mechanism usually caused by stress, trauma, or anxiety. Regression is when adults begin to act in a younger way. It can occur at any age and is the way a person communicates distress from an unmet need (Lokko, H. N., & Stern, T. A. (2015).

But why does regression happen? Of course, it all goes back to childhood in which a traumatic event happened, or our basic needs weren’t met. It can in response to situations we feel extreme stress, insecurity, feeling overwhelmed, or anger. When we regress, we usually go back to a point in our development when we felt safer. Especially around the holidays, it’s easy to slip back into our younger years when we were taken care of and had less responsibility. It’s important to keep in mind that regressive behavior can be simple or complex. This behavior can be harmful or harmless to the individual showing the behavior and to those around them, whether they be an adult or child.

Some children show regressive patterns in the form of bed wetting, tantrums, sucking on objects or body parts, comfort objects, or being mute. Adults’ express regression through tantrums, verbal abuse, crying, physical aggression, etc. Regression is a common coping mechanism, especially when experiencing life changes or a disruption in a routine. It gives us a form of familiar safety that we’re craving in the moment.

Regression doesn’t always manifest in a blowout tantrum for adults, it can arise in smaller situations. For example, sometimes when I go home for weekends, I regress back into my teenaged self who didn’t have to pay for anything or be responsible. I become lazy and forget that I am an able-bodied adult who can put a dish in a dishwasher!

Now that the crash course on regression is finished, here are my ‘survival’ tips and tricks for the holidays and for people who may experience these symptoms. Remember it's normal!

Be where your feet are. Remember to stay grounded in the here and now. Time with our people and the holidays goes by so fast, and it’s easy to wish it away or not be in the moment. Make sure to ground yourself with mindfulness tools (Box Breathing or 5 Senses Challenge) and really immerse yourself in the moment. If you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed or anxious, try a grounding technique.

Communicate. Remember we can only have our needs met when we explain what we need. Anxious? Need space? Need validation? Voice your needs to your people and family to get the support or space! Coming together for the holidays can be taxing and can be overwhelming. It’s okay to admit you’re having a hard time.

Movement is medicine! If you’re feeling overwhelmed by holiday tasks, family dynamics, or everything around you—take space and go for a walk. Or run, or work out, or anything movement related! Trust me, it’ll clear your head and get you back to your baseline.  

Call a Friend. Call one of your friends to spill the family tea. Talk it out, vent, gossip, whatever you need to receive support if your family aren’t the people you need in that moment. Rely on your natural supports to be the sounding board for the holiday stress.

Lower your expectations. This is a big one for me. I rarely get to have my brother and sister under the same roof as me, so when we go home for Christmas, it’s so special. However, with this my expectations for the week are usually through the roof. I need to have full control of the visit with everything going perfectly. Except nothing can be perfect and four other people also have expectations of their own. I’ve had to teach and remind myself year after year to lower my expectations and simply be in the moment. Any time spent with my peeps will be special no matter what. Things work out exactly how they’re meant to.

Prepare for the time spent with your people. It’s okay to prepare beforehand so you’re not dysregulated or overwhelmed upon festivities! I will usually talk through my control issues and expectations with my therapist before holidays with family. This helps me set the scene and ‘plan’ as a person who needs to have every minute planned. It helps to remind me that it’s okay to not have everything mapped out and things will be amazing even when spontaneous. Preparing for you may look like crafting responses for family members who ask inappropriate questions or want a timeline for marriage and kids. Preparing may look like protecting your peace and your mental health before arriving. Whatever it may be—it’s helpful to have a game plan.

Enjoy it. The holidays are all about slowing down and being with folks we don’t always see. They go by fast, so make sure to be in the moment and enjoy this time together. I know the holidays and family time aren’t always easy, but they hold so much magic and reflection in them.

-Charty