Love Me... Don't Leave Me: My Journey with Estrangement and Healing

I wanted to speak on something close to my heart—estrangement. I feel like so many people are unaware the impact that family estrangement has had on my life. It's the reason I got into my field of social work and chased my passion of adolescent therapy. It’s something that is more common than we think, and it’s highly stigmatized by society. We live in a world where families and relationships are most always romanticized on media, making us feel isolated. Estrangement has taken me a long time to feel comfortable talking about, as it's never easy or straightforward.

Everyone knows I’m a sucker for vulnerability, so I wanted to finally share my own experience with this journey of processing estrangement. This was possible with therapy, love, and good people. It was hard to write, but I am hopeful that it may help someone. It's a heavy one, with a lot of feelings, and a lot of letting go.

Dedicated to everyone who’s been there on my path of healing, as well as my 15-year-old self. You’re safe now Char.

Growing up, we were extremely close with my grandparents on my mom’s side. They were like another set of parents to me. Nothing felt as fun or cozy than with them. We did trips together, dinners, sleepovers, and spent every weekend with them. My grandma was everything good in my world. My hero. She was creative, funny, a great cook, and could make any time spent together extraordinary. I wish I could put into words her and my grandpa's presence in my life. They were simply the best. My grandma was on a pedestal in my mind, where she'd remain for years to come.

When I fought with my parents, she and my grandpa were always there. When I was struggling with my anger at that age, she was the one to tell me it was okay. Seems pretty wonderful, right? Other than the fact that there were no boundaries. But I was 7 years old, I didn’t know that. It was dysfunctional. Why wasn’t I turning to my parents when I struggled? Why did I not connect with my parents more? Well, there wasn't room to. My grandparents were easier, and more fun. Because they didn’t have to parent!

My parents and grandparents were continuing to struggle with this dysfunction within their relationship. My mom’s best friend was her mom, but their relationship had been unhealthy for a long time. My mom didn’t recognize it because she had been in it forever, but things got worse. My dad was on the outskirts, not able to bond with his children because of their overinvolvement. My parents wanted special time with just our family, but it was overshadowed by my grandparents and loose boundaries. The family system and dynamic were unhealthy and bound to blow up at some point. Especially with mental health issues and unresolved trauma in the mix. The issues began to seep through the cracks of our Adirondack vacations and other time spent together. Arguments, disrespect, childish behavior, and lying. Things were going to explode.

And they finally did.

We saw them for the last time in February 2009 after the worst night of my life. I think it broke all of us in a certain way. My siblings, parents, and I all experienced this grief and loss so differently. I think it was more traumatizing for us because our relationship with them didn't fade out, it happened after a horrific night of fighting. I won't go into details, but it was a night we should've never seen as children. I remember struggling at school the rest of the year, praying to turn back time.

My teenaged years consisted of missing my grandparents, sending letters to them, and blaming my parents. I was so shattered, and my self-esteem was nonexistent. What was wrong with me? With our family? Why did this happen to us? I was angry at my parents, at myself, and didn’t understand how to process these feelings. How was I supposed to continue on when the world had dropped out from under me? People who swore they loved me and left me? Hello abandonment issues for life! Family who said I was enough, who said I was loved, got up and walked. They didn't even fight for me. That 13-year-old, who believed she was worthless, that no one could love her, and that she didn’t deserve anything good. I carried around this trauma, feeling like we were the only people who went through estrangement.

Did anyone else?

Was this common?

How could family leave us?

I felt so abnormal. I would lie and tell people I didn't have any grandparents anymore. I remember telling some of my friends about it, trusting this with them, and apologizing for being ‘a broken person.’ Apologizing for being a burden. Taking the blame when it was never my fault. Estrangement effected so many relationships, consisting of self-sabotage, clinginess, begging them to stay. You can’t leave me! I need you. I need to feel less alone. Please. These were some of the loneliest years of my life. Estrangement changed the way I viewed myself, my family, and put a dark tint on the world. It led me down a path of self-injurious behaviors, suicidal ideation, and sadness.

Gradually, I worked through the pain during my teenaged years and continued to work on that self-love. I worked through suicidal thoughts, pushed myself to work on my confidence, and discover my own passions. But I still yearned for my grandparents. I felt they could fix my heart, my self-worth, and that they were the answer to my struggles. I would’ve died on the hill that they were coming to save me. When I got to college, I gave my grandma my email and we began to talk almost daily. It made me feel less alone and filled my soul to feel like I was fostering my lost relationship with her. This continued throughout my college years as we began a relationship, but now I was an adult. And bless my parents, who were so open to it and allowed me to go do what I needed to. They wanted to protect me, but knew I had to go to heal.

This new relationship with my grandparents was unhealthy and unauthentic. I never was honest about what I went through during all those years. How they abandoned me, how they hurt me, or how they ripped the rug from under me. I’d pay for this dishonesty later. I’d go to their home, hoping it felt like reconnecting with my younger self. Reliving good memories there and seeing them again! However, it was quite the opposite. It didn’t make me feel anything. What was wrong with me? I had what I craved for 10 years! They were back in my life, they loved me again, it was good. So why didn’t I feel whole? Well, maybe because I was abandoning myself. I felt like I was betraying my dad, my mom, and especially my siblings. My siblings had their own journeys which consisted not wanting any contact. I was stuck in hoping to keep them in my life for younger me.

I would stay at my grandparents’ house for 7+ hours at a time. Yup- you read that right. Visits that were supposed to be just lunch turned into hours. It was uncomfortable for me to be pulled in different directions of wanting to make everyone happy; it was too much. I was 20 years old trying to figure out why I didn’t feel whole there, and why it was painful for me. Maybe it’s because it felt like my grandma used me to get updates on my siblings. Maybe it’s the way my grandma cut me down with my weight, my friendships, and my life. Wait…but you love me? So why are you hurting me? Why do I cry the entire way home from your house? Why didn’t this heal me? Our adult relationship was so complex. I think partially because my 14-year-old self was screaming for my grandma to save me, and 20-year-old me knew it wasn’t going to happen. My grandma finally fell from the pedestal. I lived a narrative for 10+ years of believing she was perfect. She was everything.

Until she wasn’t.

My grandma has a mean streak as you've probably figured out, due to mental health and trauma. She continued to harass my mom on social media and stalk us on socials for years during our rekindled relationship. I didn’t visit my grandparents much in 2020 due to COVID and being away in Boston, but we continued to email. It felt so inauthentic. It felt like I was checking a box to keep her in my life, and it made me so guilty to think that. This was what I had wanted for so many years, but it didn't serve me. I couldn't be honest, so I continued down this people pleasing path with her.

In 2021, after my grandma had written something about my mom again on social media, I was done living the double life of loving her and trying to support my parents. My mom did a lot of hard work on herself, and is the strongest woman I know, so she didn't harbor these feelings like I did. However, I took the immature path and made a post talking poorly about my grandmother—and I take ownership over that.

I didn't hear from my grandma for months, and I was puzzled when she was silent during the holidays. I hated that part of me felt relief to not have to deal with the complicated relationship. Despite this, I emailed her checking in in March of 2021. Well, she had found my post, and I got an email from her about it. There went my lack of authenticity and honesty for 6 years. I never was up front about how they hurt me, and I was heartbroken that she finally knew. When I read that email from her, I lost a piece of myself. It was the second hardest day of my life. The person I never wanted to hurt or be honest with, finally knew my anger toward her. It was the first time I realized I wasn’t any different to her. She did the same thing to me as she did to my mom--her best friend. How could she do that me? I thought I was untouchable. I was her girl. Or so I thought.

I knew I couldn't continue to have this relationship, and I blocked her on email shortly after to protect myself from the grief. I'd be lying if I said I didn't check my junk email for 2 years after, hoping for a message from her. Hoping she'd choose me. Surprisingly to no one, she did not. My heart physically hurt for months after, I was bogged down in grief and couldn't fathom this. Thankfully, I had a wonderful therapist who supported me, and I was able to process the trauma. It took me a long time to learn that I’m more than enough. She was never going to be able to save me when she was just as broken. As I’ve said in prior posts, you have to save yourself. I’m funny, I’m whole, and I've become my own hero. I'm close with my siblings and parents in a way I would’ve never been had this estrangement never happened.

My family and I all lost something that day in 2009; for me it was my self-worth. Believing no one could really love me, they'd just walk away. Hello anxious attachment! I'm diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and exhibit anxious attachment style in relationships due to this trauma. I still struggle with the effects of estrangement in my friendships, and especially with romantic ones. I used to be a stage 5 clinger with friends which drove them away, which further decreased self-esteem. With this work in therapy, I've become more regulated and secure in many relationships. I'm still working on these behaviors and narrative of 'everyone will leave me' today-14 years later. The grief is still there, but it gets easier.

My grandparents are who they are. They are good people deep down, who have been dealt a shitty hand of trauma, addiction, and mental health. I have some of my favorite memories with them—where they’ll stay like that forever. The best parts of them. I don’t sit around wishing for them back or trying to change what happened, I live in the present. I talk about estrangement a lot now and share with friends when I'm having a tough day. I am honest about what we went through, and I know it was never my fault. A part of me will always miss them, but it's not worth the pain it causes. I continue to work through it, forgave my wonderful parents, and am learning to believe I am enough. I’ll always have a wound in place of that grandparent relationship, but it continues to get smaller over time.

Family estrangement looks different for everyone, but it does hold so much shame from societal norms. Why is it so poorly recognized by society? The taboo feeling of missing contact with people you should have connection with and holding onto internal shame. The guilt put on us by society to not have "worked" at your relationships and "given up." The family system is extremely complicated, holding denial, secrets, refusal to change, and anger. But this refusal to change results in growth—especially in my case. You can’t save your family, you can’t make them choose you, but you can save yourself. Acknowledging estrangement is the first step toward self-empowerment and grief morphing into freedom. Distancing from the generational trauma and cycle my Mom broke has been so healing, even on days it feels heavy.

Be well,

Charty

Charty's Note: Dr. Mariel Boque wrote a phenomenal book around generational trauma and breaking the patterns. My mom read it and felt it captured the essence and trauma of estrangement beautifully. Check it out here. Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma.

I also wanted to share my idol, Vienna Pharon, who is a New York City based Family and Marriage therapist. She recently wrote an amazing book on working through childhood wounds, which has been so beneficial for me. The Origins of You is a book that I have used continuously to work through these traumatic events. I highly recommend it to everyone.

PS- My 'office' is always open to talk, laugh, or share experiences. You can reach out to me on anytime ♥

*For this blog post I decided against personal photos to protect privacy and to focus on content. I hope it lands in a way that is impactful. Names not used to protect privacy.